I have mixed feeling towards my mother. I love her for the fact that she is my mom. However, I resent her for so many things and the role that she has played in each of them.
My parents split up when I was in the 5th or 6th grade. My sister and I went to live with my mom. I'm not sure who decided this, most likely my mom made the decision for everyone, either way I can see why they would not stay together. No one that knows my parents now, is able to picture them being married in the first place. They are like fire and ice, black and white, two complete opposites.
My mom has never been one to hold her tongue. She likes to gossip, and she tells everyone everything. She always has. Even after my parents split, and their subsequent divorce, my mother frequently bad mouthed my father, both to us directly, as well as to everyone she talked to. She would state how my father didn't care about us because he never wanted to have us stay with him on the weekends. And how he was never there and never would be. And so many other awful things that no one should ever tell their children about one of their parents.
Later in life, she would state that she didn't know that my father had to work Saturdays and that was why he wasn't able to take us on the weekends. But she swears to the fact that she never spoke this way in front of us. Ummmm...ok.
Moving on. Teenage years are hard to deal with, I know that. But with my mother they were exceptionally difficult. You see my mother worked 2-3 jobs at a time. She worked nights at a factory. Would come home sleep for a few hours. Then go to work as a hair dresser. And on the weekends would bar tend at a local bar. My sister and I were left to pretty much take care of ourselves. We cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, we didn't see her much then. And she was doing all of this and still was just barely getting by. (I don't know why, or how true that is, considering the fact that she didn't spend much on us. I was working as a waitress when I was 14 and was required to buy my own clothes, etc.)
I don't want this to go on and on about every little thing that she did to us, or the choices she made that maybe weren't the best, especially when they are done with your children watching and learning from your example. But there is one other issue that I think is important to understanding my mom and how she plays a role in my life story.
You see, my mom has a way of wanting to do things for people, as if she is doing it out of the kindness of her heart. But then turns around and throws it right back up into your face for all of eternity. This is a major issue that I can't seem to settle with my mom. She can't see it in the way that everyone else does. She seems to think that she is the only one who does all this stuff for everyone, and yet no one appreciates her for it, or that no one does anything for her. I have come to a point where I refuse to ask her for anything. (Unless it would be a life or death situation, then maybe.)
To sum it up, because honestly I could probably go on and on about stuff, but all in all it boils down to the fact that my mother has, in her mind, what she believes to be true, she creates her own little story of what she thinks took place, and well that's her story and she's stickin to it. When she has a grudge, she holds it forever. She will always hold that one issue, both big and small, against whomever it is, forever. She refuses to try and see things differently and from someone else's point of view and quite frankly thinks that the world may be out to get her.
That reminds me of one last thing, she acts a bit like a hypochondriac. She always seems to have something ailing her. Personally I think it's all in her head, one minute she could be just fine, and the next she is so sick. It's kinda funny how it plays out, because it seems as though she tends to get sick when she starts to fall out of the center stage. I think it's her way of bringing the attention back into her court, as well as getting people to feel sorry for her and think that we are the worst daughters on the face of the earth because we refuse to fall for her all to common trick.
It's all these issues and more, that make it hard for me to respect and look up to her as my mother. A mother doesn't make her children feel guilty for things that they had no control of. A mother doesn't break a child down simply for their own satisfaction. A mother does things because she wants to, not because of the recognition that can be gained (as well as the sympathy) A mother is there to help her children in any way that she can, not ask them for help and then criticize them for not doing enough.
I would have liked for my mother to have been someone I could trust and look up to. But that simply has not been the case here. We will see what the future brings.